so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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