3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
