I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
