Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
