Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
