quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
