it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
