Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
