I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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