im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
