accomplished twins. life is a go
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We left the knife in your bed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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