How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I need moral support for this bender
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
