life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
