We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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