I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
