she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
