i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
