I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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