3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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