Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
