So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
