My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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