I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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