I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
