fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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