Yo dont text me then not text me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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