great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
false alarm. still invincible.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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