I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
