I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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