you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
