I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
