I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
