i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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