Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
