Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
