Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
