Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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