I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
