Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
