She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
