Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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