Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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