i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
