you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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