i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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