the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
