Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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