I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
