I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
