He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
